NOTE: I didn't proof read this, or even read it again after I posted it. I didn't even plan to post it. But, plans change.
To: Bridie
Please read me.
We met on a normal day. There wasn’t anything special about this day, except that it was a Wednesday, and the school let hour early that day. So, I’d arranged to meet my friend Cameron in the school lobby to grab a soda after school. She had arranged for 3 of her other friends from the school connected to mine to meet us at the soda machines.
One was Delana, who was born a girl, but sexually identified as a boy, and went by Dillion.
There was Lilly, who was dating Delana. She was cute, I thought. She had long brown hair and a cute face.
Then I saw Bridie. Just thinking about her makes my heart start pounding and my fingers shake. She beautiful. She’s the image of a Goddess in human form. And after about a week, I fell in love.
She had black hair, that went down to her shoulders. Her eyes were warm and her smile made me smile whenever I saw it.
She looked amazing. Incredible. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
But I also couldn’t admit that to myself. I don’t know why, but I didn’t want to be in love.
We didn’t talk much, mostly because I felt incredibly awkward around her. I couldn’t help but notice her look at me every once in awhile, even though we only stood there talking for about 5 minutes. Well, Camoran spoke, Lily spoke, and Dillion spoke.
I eventually got a text from my mother telling me she needed me to come home.
I thought that that would be that last time that I saw Bridie, and maybe it would have been, if I hadn’t signed up to be in the play The Wedding Singer.
I wanted to be in the play. I also didn’t want to wait for practice, which started at 5, to start alone. So, I asked the only real friend I had at school at that time to come with me. She said yes.
That day, after school, we met Bridie and Lilly by the soda machines connecting Cameron and I’s school to their school. This time, I was more comfortable with Bridie being there, because I had convinced myself as I thought of her throughout the week that I had no feelings for her. I convinced myself that I couldn’t have any feelings for her. That I hadn’t known her long enough to have feelings for her. Boy was I wrong.
School ended at 2:40 PM. We had quite a lot of time before practice began, so we waited at the back entrance of the school. We talked, and played obnoxious songs on our school-issued laptops, and laughed. I had a great time. One of the best times I’d had since I’d moved there from Arkansas.
At first, I’d been against the move. When my mother told me, I burst into tears and cried for what felt like hours, and I sobbed as I packed my things.
We had to leave, however, because my family was being attacked by the court system. My mother didn’t want to give it away that we were moving, so she didn’t want me to give it away. As a result, I was unable to say goodbye to my best friends. I was unable to say goodbye to anyone, because my mother told me after school was out for the week, and we were moving that night. We moved to Kansas, then, when my mother’s foster mom found out we had to move, she picked us up in Kansas, and moved us to Missouri, where I spent 6 months in almost total isolation from friendship.
However, once I met Bridie, I felt the darkness that had been starting to consume me from the inside start to lift. Every smile, every time she laughed, I felt a little bit better.
Then, she added me on Facebook.
This may not seem like something huge to anyone else, but to me, this meant I had a chance to get closer to her. This meant, she considered me a friend.
She messaged me as soon as I answered the request, and we talked for hours.
We arranged to meet after school.
I brought Cameron, and from that day on, every day after school, I walked to Bridie’s part of the school, and she met me halfway.
Soon, I watched the clock as 7th hour ticked slowly by, anxious to see her.
Soon, I waited by the classroom door at the end of 7th hour, as close to it as possible.
Soon, I ran from the classroom as the bell rang and ran to her end of the school. Any time I saw her, I was filled with energy. Her laugh made me laugh and when she touched me, I felt sparks coming from her fingertips.
But, this entire time, I was fighting realizing my feelings for her, and trying to convince myself that she had feelings for me, at the same time.
But one day, I got up the courage to finally find out.
We were walking to Dillion’s house, doing the normal thing. When we were together, there wasn’t a silent moment. Bridie was torrent of loud energy, and it was like the breathed life into everything around her. And I wanted to be alone with her.
I asked Dillion if we could get something to drink from her uncle’s house, which we were close to. She went in to check, and Bridie and I were alone.
I remember what happened perfectly.
Bridie and I sat down on the edge of the curve as Dillion went inside his uncle’s house to see if his uncle had any bottled water. Bridie picked up a stick and started drawing in the dirt. I started talking.
“Hey, Bridie,” I said nervously. I didn’t think it had carried into my voice, and if it had, she hadn’t seemed to notice it.
“Yeah?” She continued to draw in the dirt with her stick.
“You know that thing we were talking about earlier? About the planets?”
She nodded. “Yeah. What about it?”
“Well…” my voice trailed off, but I made myself continue, knowing I was in to deep to go back now. “Maybe we don’t have to be...sisters…”
She looked up, a look of disappointment on her face. “Oh…”
I quickly tried to fix it. “I mean, we can be, if you want to. But--”
At that moment in time, Dillion walked out and shouted, “We don’t have any water bottles!”
Bridie and I looked up. My cheeks felt hot and I looked away as Bridie replied, but I didn’t catch what she said. I was relieved that I hadn’t told her that I had a crush on her. I also wanted to kick myself.
We went to the park. Dillion’s mom picked us up and took us to the store to get some bottled water, then took us to the park.
We were there for a while, when we decided to walk around in the woods. I stayed by Bridie, talking to her, and trying to figure out without asking if she liked me. This part, I also remember vividly. I remember the feeling. The tightness in my throat, the pounding of my heart. This is what happened.
Dillion, 2 of his friends that I didn’t know, Bridie and I decided to go for a walk in the woods, near a creek. Dillion and his friends walked up near the front of the group, while Bridie and I stuck near the back, talking and laughing, partly at what the ones in front were saying, and partly from jokes that we were telling, that no one else could hear.
We were in a particularly slippery, place, and Bridie started to lose her balance. I took her hand, and suddenly couldn’t breathe. I heard Bridie let out a small squeak. We had both stopped. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” she said in a quiet voice.
I let go of her hand and we kept walking. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kick myself.
We walked in a silence just between the two of us for a moment, then, I pretended to slip. As I was hoping, she grabbed my hand.
I let out an airy laugh. “It’s really slippery in here. Maybe we should hold on?”
She nodded. Her cheeks were bright red, and I’m sure mine were too. We continued walking, not letting go of each other’s hands. The others didn’t notice.
The entire time, I focused on her hand in mine, and how nice it felt.
While in the woods, we came across a backpack. According to Dillion’s friends, it had been in there for days, and no one had come back for it. So Dillion decided to go through it.
Inside it was many things, including a pocket knife that I claimed for myself.
Bridie claimed the backpack, and we left the woods, no longer holding hands since we found the bag. We cut through an area in the woods that led back into the park, so I couldn’t find another way to hold Bridie’s hand. But I wanted to.
I so wanted to.
So, I decided on the next best thing.
I took out my phone as we walked out of the woods, heading home for the day. I didn’t have long until my curfew, and neither did Bridie. Dillion could stay out much later, and his friends had already gone home with the things they claimed from the back pack. I did the only thing I could think of, and texted Bridie.
Me: I’m really sorry to ask you like this and I wish I could do it differently but I’m so shy do you want to go out with me?
I couldn’t stop looking at Bridie as she heard her phone ring, and took it out to find my message. I knew now that I couldn’t go back, and wished beyond anything that I could undo.
And then I got her message.
Her: Yes.
Happiness bubbled up within me, and a huge grin appeared on my face that I couldn’t control. I put my phone away, and slipped my hand into mine. Her grip tightened and so did my throat. I could feel myself blushing, and was probably as bright a color red as Bridie was.
I felt amazing, like gravity didn’t exist. I was weightless and wanted to do cartwheels.
Dillion’s house was on the way to her house, and mine was after Bridie’s, so soon after Bridie and I were alone.
I expected it to be different. I expected it to feel different, but it didn’t. It felt exactly the same, except for the amazing feeling of having her hand in mine. We talked and laughed and held hands all the way to her house, then, when we got there, we stopped outside her front gate. We were still holding hands.
“So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”I said, running a hand through my hair nervously.
“Yeah. I’ll meet your after school.”
Then, I moved in for a hug, as she moved in for a kiss. It shocked me, and I flushed a dark red color. “O-o-oh,” I stuttered stupidly, “I wasn’t--wasn’t expecting that.”
She giggled. And then turned around to go back to her house. I just stood there for a moment in silence, then, when I knew for sure she was gone, I grinned, and did a little dance, so full of happiness and excitement that I couldn’t contain myself. I then let out a breath, turned, and walked down the street toward my house.
A moment later, my phone buzzed. It was a message from Bridie.
Her: I left my chromebook in your backpack. Meet me at my house?
My heart jumped at the opportunity to see her again, and I turned around, texting her that I was on my way as I walked.
I met her outside her house, and took the chrome book out when I saw her. I handed it to her, and I got a second chance as she leaned in to kiss me I kissed her back and my world exploded.
That might have been the best day of my life. In fact, I’m pretty sure it is. The only way any day could have been better, would have been the day that I asked her to marry me, but that doesn’t seem like it’s meant to happen anymore.
Bridie and I were the happiest couple I’d ever even heard of. That is, until the day I moved back to Kansas. I remember the last day I spent with her in person.
Thinking about it now makes me want to cry because of how blissfully happy we were.
We were together for just over 9 months when we broke up. It was December 2, if I recall correctly. I’m not sure myself. I don’t tend to want to remember when the most horrible moments of my life happened.
I remember in detail what happened when she broke up with me though.
It was a Wednesday, and I was sitting in my advisory class. It had been a pretty good day so far, and I was in a fair mood. I was also ready for lunch. It was only a few minutes until the bell would ring, and I went to check my phone. As i did, I got a message from Bridie.
The first few words, I remember with vivid clarity. They were, Kyra, I’m so sorry but…
And that’s all my phone would show me before I unlocked it.
Slowly, with shaking hands, as if I was trying to deactivate a bomb before it went off, I unlocked my phone and read the text.
I dropped my phone.
I gasped
A sob ripped itself from my throat and tears streamed down my face.
Everyone was staring at me.
“C-c-can--Bathroom--” I couldn’t even get the full sentence out I was sobbing so hard. The teacher understood and let me go.
I ran from the classroom as I would before when I lived in Missouri. I ran from the classroom like I did when I couldn’t wait to see Bridie after school.
I ran to the bathroom, and slammed the door shut, sobbing. There was another girl in there, asking if I was alright. I was anything but alright.
It didn’t take me long to calm down, and soon I settled into a silence that scared even me a little bit. I came out of the bathroom stall, and the girl who had been asking if I was alright stood there. Again, she asked if I was okay.
In a shaky voice, I replied, “My girlfriend just broke up with me.”
“Oh,” she said. I could see pity in her eyes. She opened her arms. “Do you want a hug?”
Under any other circumstances, I would have denied, and said I was fine. But I wasn’t.
I hugged in, and she hugged me back, and I cried into a total stranger’s shoulder as if she was my best friend, when my real best friend had just ripped my heart out.
I let go, and wiped my eyes.
“Are you going to be okay?” she asked.
Not trusting myself to speak without bursting into tears again, I nodded.
She nodded too. “Okay, I’m going to head back to class now.”
I nodded again.
I never saw her again.
The bell, thankfully, rang before I could get back to my class, and I ran in and grabbed my stuff before the teacher could stop me, as I’m sure she would.
The rest of the day, I spent in a haze of sadness, wishing I’d never gotten a phone in the first place.
After a few days, we realized we were both miserable. We got back together. Then, a friend sent me a picture of someone who tagged her in a post, calling her his baby. I sent the picture to Bridie, and found out she was cheating on me. Or maybe she was cheating on him. I’m not sure. Either way, we broke up again.
We are still broken up to this day, and to this day I wish I could change it. I wish I could still call her mine, I wish I could still tell her I love her, and I wish I could stop this feeling of rage in my chest anytime I think of her killing him. Sometimes, I can’t even say his name. The name has been ruined for me.
***
I know Bridie sometimes reads what I post on here. In this case, I sort of hope she does.
I have a hard time telling her how I feel. She makes me nervous. She makes me want to watch every tiny thing I say in case I say something that could hurt her. I’d do anything for her, or break myself trying to make her happy.
There was once I book I read in a series. There was a couple, who couldn’t be together because of reasons. One night, the night they thought they were all going to die, the couple slept together. They didn’t have sex, they just slept, hand in hand. The author described it as the way children would hold hands.
The boy left the girl before she woke up, leaving a note.
In the note, it said “As long as I can still dream, I will dream of you” and, Bridie, that’s how it is for me. I know you love him, but, please, it kills me to think of you with him. I promise I’m coming back for you. You’re the one and only person I love.
Will you please wait for me?
